Short answer: Yes, yes you should be.

Longer answer: How many of you out there claim to be a giving partner? I’ve said before that my boyfriend’s orgasm is more important to me than my own. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that, but if you’re giving up your own pleasure for someone else’s consistently, you’re not only cheating yourself, but your partner.

Now when I say you should be selfish in bed, I don’t mean rub-up-against-him-get-yours-and-go-to-sleep kind of selfish. I’m talking about putting yourself first and not feeling bad about it. It’s about finding a balance and ensuring that you get as much as you give. Selfishness doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Do:

•    Share and explore your fantasies. It’s silly to believe that only men have fantasies. Figure out what yours are and tell your partner. Even if your partner isn’t interested in experimenting, just sharing what turns you on could be a turn on for both of you.

•    Tell him what you want. Not only is this kind of confidence incredibly sexy, it takes a lot pressure off him. Plus, you get the pleasure you’re seeking. Bonus: He gets to give it to you, which is just as pleasurable for a partner who cares about your needs.

•    Use toys. Most women don’t have orgasms during intercourse without a bit of clitoral stimulation, so don’t be afraid to bring a vibrator to bed with you. Or take matters into your own hands. It’s likely to make the whole experience for both of you better.

Don’t:
•    Only focus on your partner. This may seem like it’s a selfless act, but you’re denying your partner (and yourself) the pleasure that comes with giving you an orgasm. You’re not some sexual martyr by giving up your orgasm to make sure he comes, so be fairer to yourself and him!

•    Expect him to initiate every time. It’s unfair to put all the pressure on your partner to initiate sex every time, and it’s actually selfish of you to never take on the vulnerability of potential rejection.

•    Apologize for stopping or slowing down. You could be in the mood one moment, and then it’s not working for you the next. That’s OK. Neither you, nor your partner, should feel like you have to apologize for not following through.

The only time being selfish in bed is negative is when you or your partner is disrespecting one another. You shouldn’t feel bad about not being into oral, for example. Sex should be mutually consenting and mutually satisfying.

 

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