Whether it’s your first time ever or your first time with a new partner, it’s common to be nervous. There are some big do’s and don’ts you should follow to make it the best experience possible, but the most important is to make sure it’s exactly what both of you want.

•    Safe sex = good sex. Even if you’re using birth control, you’re going to want to use a condom to reduce the risk of any sexually transmitted diseases or pregnancy. Until the two of you are in a monogamous relationship, keep things safe. Knowing that you’re safe can help you relax and enjoy the experience. And if he insists that sex is better without a condom, you might want to call it an early night. If he cares about you, he’ll care about your needs and comfort.

•    A little lube. Don’t get caught up in the negative association with lubrication. Using lube doesn’t mean you’re not turned on. Everyone’s body is different, and while you’re likely going to be naturally lubricated, a little lube can make sex for you and him more comfortable and enjoyable. Bonus: Applying the lube can be a sexy interlude for either partner.

•    Take your time. Eagerness and anxiety can often take over, making you head directly for the main event long before you’re really ready. Slow down and enjoy the foreplay, whether it’s kissing, oral, touching. Anticipation is a big part of what makes the end game so much better.

•    The big moment may not come. You may not have an orgasm the first time you have sex with your partner, and that’s OK! Letting yourself give in to that moment may require a lot more trust and comfort with your partner, so don’t beat yourself up if you don’t climax. Enjoy the entire experience, and don’t set such high expectations of yourself.

•    Speaking of expectations … Movies, music videos, and porn have put a lot of pressure on both men and women to make sex as sexy, romantic, and orgasm-filled as possible. The truth is that sex can be awkward and messy, and that’s OK! Try to relax and enjoy the experience without forcing anything.

•    Enthusiastic consent is sexy. Both of you should communicate throughout the entire act to ensure the other is comfortable with whatever is going on. If at any point you want to stop, that is more than OK. Same goes for your partner. Giving the green light for whatever the two of you want to try shows that you’re confident, and putting on the brakes shows the same confidence.

•    Major malfunction. You may not be the only nervous one in the room. He may be worried he won’t pleasure you, or is concerned that he could climax too quickly, or not maintain an erection. And that might happen! And that’s OK. Invite him to focus more on you, whether with his hands or mouth.

Bottom line: Relax and enjoy the experience. Putting pressure on yourself or him to make everything perfect is almost a one-way ticket to disappointment-ville. Plus, the next time the two of you get together, you’ll both know a little more about what each of you enjoy, making each time better.

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